Regret, Shame, Sadness and Frustration Ad Infinitum
Getting myself in a tizzy at the moment. My waistline has expanded beyond imagination… how did I not notice? In a year I have put on 12kg. I am having to go into emergency rescue mode as self-loathing descends again. I was doing so well but perhaps I wasn’t doing well. I was not managing to digest much food after my gallbladder was removed. I manage better now but my portion sizes have increased back to satiation rather than the tiny 100g meals I was enduring last year.
I am in crisis because I no longer own fat clothes to fit into, and I am suddenly busting out of my current size 12-14s. Ok, so I’m not a size 16 -18, or a 22 like I was two Januarys ago but I am overweight again for my height. My knees creak when walking up stairs, I’m out of breath more and I only have one pair of jeans out of four that still fits me. Fuckety-fuck. I hate dieting and I’m pretty bad at it but I have no choice. So I bought peri peri seafood for dinner,healthy from the fishmongers and enjoyed it as I planned to get back on the shakes to dump some of this excess Jane.
I don't hate my body as much as my mother does when I am overweight. After all it has been a source of income for me over the years when I was a large life model from being 19 - 42 years old. But today it’s about not having any clothes to fit me currently. I don't want to buy any more bigger clothes again. So - I announce my intention to endeavour to control my inappropriate eating, my erratic eating and my untimely eating. I’m not a bad eater but I’m not a regular eater and my portions are clearly too big for my height.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with curves. On the few occasions where I starved myself, I’ve actually disliked the thin versions of me which have popped out to briefly say hi. I feel better with a bit of a belly, breasts, and a bum. Sadly, when I lose weight, my bum disappears and is replaced with a cash-point-arse. (Hole in the wall).
I wonder whether some of this weight gain is because of the low dose of chemo I take orally, weekly, to settle my immune system which overreacts and has caused me really bad skin issues in the past? I have only a few weeks left of it so perhaps once I’m off that I will lose some weight naturally. Perhaps I'm grasping at straws.
It’s an interesting conundrum. I know I am risking a host of opinions being directed at me, with a series of projections of people’s own answers to weight loss and ideas of body image. Let me gently thank you for thinking of me but please, if you can, keep them to yourselves. I know my own mind, obsessions, compulsions, flaws and metabolism. I’m sharing because I know we all face it at some point and I’m in the realm of the blah blah.
I’ve got four months to lose it - that’s three kg a month. Let’s see if I can manage that…and then once I’m there, watch me yo-yo again.
Have a good dinner and think of me slicing off bits of body. If you should find a bit of me by the wayside don’t return to sender, not this time, thank you.